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Thoughts and Observations The master of irrelevant satire, John Moss

1. Being Vladimir Putin means never having to say you’re sorry….
2. A watchdog press that only barks at GOP is no better than a quiet mouse….
3. The word, “Hamas” translated to Hebrew means “violence”. Imagine our collective outrage if some anti-immigration group calling themselves “Violento” were to gather at the southern border….
4. Are animals intelligent? Sure! I let my monkey type my fb posts and he does a great (PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE) job!!!
5. What if the illuminati was just a secret group of dudes who meet up once a month and do Zumba….
6. Hey George, tell me again what you saw when you looked into Putin’s soul?
7. Quinoa….. For when you want to eat healthy but also want to wonder every two minutes if a shard of glass got into your salad….
8. Today at the DMV: The woman who earlier broke out into a gospel chant got mouthy with a DMV employee. Things then got exponentially more interesting…
9. The only happy people at the DMV? New 16 year olds that are about to get their first license. The most anxious? Their parents…
10. Yoko’s latest tweet…”Tape the sound of the lake gradually freezing. Drink a cup of hot chocolate, afterwards.” I'm scared… her gibberish is starting to make sense to me….

1. Sorry Republicans, but incompetence and indifference are not impeachable offenses….
2. Dear Mr President, We don’t mind if you shoot yourself in the foot but we hate it when you reload…
3. This afternoon I saw a more-than-middle-aged couple making out in a CVS parking lot. Those images rattling around in my head have been haunting me since......
4. I don't want the Apple iPhone 6. I don't need anything bigger in my pants…..
5. A leader without followers is just someone taking a walk…...
6. Vaping seems like something George Lucas invented for Star Wars but later edited out because it looked so stupid.
7. This is getting ridiculous…. how in the hell do you "forget" your kid in a car???? I bet they didn't forget to grab their cellphone….….
8. We never get over being less important to people than they are to us, do we?
9. If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office….
10. Hey advertisers, call prune juice "plum juice" and you move a billion more units. I promise….
11. 5 days left in the countdown. Sad…. No more sneaking into bars with a fake id. My oldest turns 21 on Wednesday…
12. Latest tweet from Yoko Ono…”Watch a butterfly dance. Watch the fireflies dance. Watch the lights on the water dance. Let your heart dance with them”…… Between you and I, I think it’s the acid talking….

1. QB Bush handed the ball to rookie QB Obama at the Iraq 45. Four fumbles later, we’re on our own 5.
2. That was not thunder you heard last Tuesday, it was God laughing at Robin Williams’ jokes…….
3. How am I supposed to know if you’re doing the Ice Bucket challenge or if you just coached your kids’ team to a championship victory ???
4. I’ve accepted the NEW Ice Cube challenge. That's the thing where I have to dump a bucket of DVD's of "Are We There Yet?" at a local thrift store.
5. The new phone book just arrived so It's your move, Internet….
6. The Kansas City Royals are the surprise team of the summer, unless you also want to count ISIS….
7. Hey Starship….Cities built on rock and roll are now crumbling at great taxpayer expense…..
8. Lauren Bacall also died last week. I don't throw the phrase "Bad Ass Bitch" around because I'm not Superfly, but the more I read about her, I’m more convinced that Lauren Bacall was a bad ass bitch….
9. Is someone who is stupid enough to bring a gun to the airport smart enough to own a gun? Probably not…..
10. Nothing says “give us respect” like looting and burning your town.
11. Another philosophical nugget from the greatest mind of our time, Yoko Ono: “Sit at the dock. Watch the seagulls dance. Dance with them in your mind. Keep dancing until you feel you can hear their heartbeats…….” Yes, I’m afraid the acid is still talking….

1. Burger King announced they've bought Tim Hortons and are moving to Canada, if this is America's retaliation for Justin Bieber, then well done……..
2. Advice to my son…Before you marry a girl, you should first make her use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are…..
3. More advice to my sons… Its all fun and games til someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game. Hide and Seek !!!
4. Advice to guys… If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. You will get applause every 3-4 minutes. It’s great for your ego…
5. When a girl says she will be ready in five minutes, she is using the same time scale that a guy uses when he says there’s five minutes left in the game…
6. Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes…
7. Politics: From “Poli” – meaning many, and “tics” – meaning blood-sucking insects….
8. Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
9. I’m pretty sure the moron that put the extra “r” in February is also the same guy that thought up the spelling for “Wednesday”…
10. Rearrange these letters into words: 1.) PNEIS, 2.) HTIELR, 3.) NGGERI, 4.) BUTTSXE . Did you come up with Spine, Lither, Ginger, and Subtext??? Naughty, naughty…

 

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